I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
