Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
