Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
