Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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