I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
