You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
