What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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