Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
