I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
