do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just cropdusted the office
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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