so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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