What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
