Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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