And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
