Pappa wants mamma naked
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
