I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
