I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
