god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
