Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
