I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
