hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
