I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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