I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
