we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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