I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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