Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
