i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
