Dude my mom stole all your condoms
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
