I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
