hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
