ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
