Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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