Girls should come with a carfax report
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
