she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
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Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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