two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
