I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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