dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
