i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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