if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
