chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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