he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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