ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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