I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
