He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i think my cat just said my name.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
