just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
