Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
