youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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