The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
