Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
