she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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