I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
