we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
