My underwear smells like fireworks.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
